Tuesday, December 29, 2009

He Lead Me

There have been times in my life when the Lord has lead me or I have felt His very strong presence around me. 1)When I was taking my nursing boards. I got to question 68 and this sense came over me that I was only going to have 75 questions. That I had passed and I could relax. 2)When I was in labor with Brice. I had been pushing for three hours and no one could figure out why he was not coming. Finally, the midwife told me to lay on my side for 30 minutes to see if his head would turn. As she left the room and Justin went to inform our family of what the latest was, I knew. I knew I would have a C-section. I was so upset but knew I would be taken care of.

Last year, on this day, the Lord lead me to Anna's room when she cried out a second time. I was tired, frustrated because she had been a "lazy" eater all day, but nevertheless I went to her. I knew the eating was important. For her heart. In order for her little VSD to close she had to get bigger and in order to get bigger she had to eat. But all day that day, she hadn't eaten well. Her color was off to me but I pushed it aside instead of listening to my mother's/nurse's instinct. So, I picked her up out of her bassinet and offered her milk. A few sucks and then asleep again. In my head I thought, "Please, Anna, you have to eat. You have to get bigger." I then put her on my shoulder to rock her and in my postpartum mess of a brain thought about if she didn't eat, which meant heart surgery, and then what if there were complications to the surgery and she didn't make it. I prayed to God, "Please, I can't put this perfect girl in a grave." And at that moment, she stopped breathing.

He lead me to think those thoughts because He knew His plan. That was His way of telling me something was about to happen and I was going to have to have my game face on.

He knew she would be fine and a year later I would sit here and type these words while tears run down my face.

Justin says it's just a date and today is just another day. He is right but on that day a year ago, I remember every little detail. I guess part of me still feels guilty for not listening to my gut. There is not an evening that goes by when I put Anna to bed that I don't think about some part of that night or experience. Whether it be when I was rocking her, or the ambulance ride or not coming home until 4 am without my baby girl. Or maybe it's the ten days we spent at the hospital with her and shuffling Brice back and forth {insert more guilt here}, or wondering how she got so, so sick.

I am so thankful that she won't remember it. I am so glad that she has changed so much since she was just two weeks old. I of course don't see the same baby that I did a year ago. I still have the gown she was wearing and will forever. I know what a different place I could be in right now. I could be typing about grief and the emotional struggle of losing a child. But I am not. I will turn these tears into happy tears. Tears of gratitude and overwhelming love. I told my Mom one night driving home from the hospital that I feel I owe God. I told her that I wish my love for my children was enough to protect them always. She responded by saying that I must raise my children to know Him and to follow Him and that, in a way, I will be "repaying" God.

And so, I will let Him lead me and my family through the thick and thin, knowing that He knows what is right and good and perfect. And Anna is just that.


{ang} said...

This was so beautiful, I have a few tears of my own after reading this. So glad you're little blessing Anna is safe & sound!

Rachel said...

Such a sweet post. I can't imagine going through what you did with Anna...but can see how God has used it in your life to increase your faith. That's so cool!

Kelly said...

What a beautiful post. Sweet little Anna is so lucky to have a Mommy like you. It's so comforting to know God protects us and leads us in ways we can't even imagine.

Megan said...

Wow! I can't even imagine, Jennifer! You opened up your heart so beautifully here. Thank you!